That’s right. We’re here on our sofa, and we’re liveblogging ever gripping minute of CNN’s coverage of Pennsylvania’s all-important Democratic primary! Stay tuned for tons of updates and really interesting news about Wolf Blitzer’s stupid fucking face.
8:08 PM: Wolf Blizter is now rapping with Cambell Brown. I think he just checked her out. Blitzer is a creep. John King is getting in on it. Keep in mind my belief is that Blitzer is secretly for Clinton. Watch him.
I’m getting the vibe that Brown is for Obama… or McCain.
8:10 PM: Roland Martin is on the attack. Now Brown is calling bullshit on his spending in PA. Why is it so hard to understand that Obama started with a deficit, and was playing catch-up with all that money? Oh wait, these people are inflammatory douchebags.
8:13 PM: King says Obama blew it two weeks ago. I say King is blowing it… right now. Also, his wife is ugly.
8:14 PM: OMFG, this Sharp commercial is so good! I’m telling Laura that we have to get a new copier. I’m also getting some of these cheap-ass dress shirts from Jos A. Bank.
8:17 PM: Laura’s blog might be better than mine. I’m really going to step up the insightful political commentary… now.
Wolf Blitzer would hand this to Clinton given half a chance. You can practically see spittle fly from his mouth as he details the channel’s inability to “call” the race due to its “closeness.”
8:19 PM: White men, white women. White people have never been so important. Women are voting Clinton, hard to believe. Next they’ll tell me that black people are voting for Obama! Oh shit! They are!
Blitzer is quick to dis both Obama and the black vote by saying they only hopped on-board after he won some places.
Now is a good time to note that I prayed to God to let Obama win the race tonight. If Obama does win, it will renew my faith in the Lord, and I will become a devout Jew. If he doesn’t win, it’s proof that God definitely doesn’t exist. I wait on your move, “God.”
8:22 PM: Laura says the fat guy is named Bill Bennett. He’s a prick. I will say this about CNN’s “Battle for Pennsylvania”: black men on the panel seem to be FOR Barack Obama. Paul Begala just mentioned Bush’s DUI.
Donna Brazile, a SUPER DELEGATE says she’s undecided… I’m not buying it. Although earlier she did say she had a sexual crush on Wolf Blitzer
8:26 PM: Bennett is hammering Obama on some people he knows. This guy really is a massive prick. Begala is getting into it now — watch out fatty. Bennett desperately wants to pull some character assassination here. These people have no business on television. Why am I listening to talking heads bullshit about their opinions? Oh I know, because people in America have trouble making their own choices.
Bit of a cat fight there. Campbell Brown had to toss everyone a pot brownie and put on a ‘Dead record.
8:30 PM: Laura is having uploading issues.
8:33 PM: Dear Lincoln Financial — please stop creeping me the fuck out with your commercials.
Looking into Blitzer’s eyes is like gazing into a black pool of death. There’s nothing beyond his stare but the fetid stench of rotting flesh.
8:37 PM: Clinton’s people are emailing CNN to ask them to include Florida and Michigan! WTF! Fuck you! You can see Wolf just dying to get a word in edgewise here. He has the face of a pedophile.
Wha-oh! Exit poll numbers. 18-29 year olds, what’s up with those guys? Guess what? They’re all over Obama like… white on rice. Older voters? Clinton slips down to 60%. Obama is picking up the pieces because he took everyone from Shady Oaks out to Wendy’s and sprung for the group’s coffee. Some of them didn’t even worry he was going to mug them, I’m told.
8:42 PM: Oh shit, real numbers. Blitzer just creamed his slacks. He wants to give us a “flavor” of what the numbers will be. Then he said he wanted to blindfold us.
8:47 PM: Actual numbers, just 1%. Good enough for Blitz! Cilnton wins! He saunters over to Campbell Brown, she heads away to the panel. Discussing Bill’s foot in mouth move today. Bill Clinton cannot stop playing the “playing the race card” card.
Bennett’s talking smack again. He likes Clinton. If a Republican likes Clinton, that spells trouble.
8:51 PM: Man this “Battle” is boring. C’mon God! Show me your stuff!
3% reported so far, Blitzer and King discuss “calling” the race right now. Center City Philly is switching rapidly. I guess they’re worried that impatient viewers can’t wait to be told who won this
John King: “If Clinton can keep it this close in Center City… forget about it.” 12% reporting. Fuck you, King.
8:55 PM: Commercial break. Thank goodness.
8:59 PM: They’re about to call it. Gee I wonder what will happen. Apparently MSNBC called it for Clinton, and Fox called it WAY early. Go figure.
It’s looking like I can continue to shun God’s love. Shun, and shun hard.
9:04 PM: CNN projection! Clinton wins PA. Huzzah. Blitzer, “Supporters can breathe a lot easier…” Wolf, on the other hand, needs a change of pants and a 15 minute time-out.
Another great night of reporting for CNN. Wolf Blitzer heads up the show with the typical panache we’ve come to know and love from him. Bravo!