Joshua Topolsky

The Catillac Cats, Honda Fit mods, buying the SGI I wanted when I was a teenager.

God damn you back to Hell, Alone in the Dark. I wanted to like you, I ached to like you. Thoughts of liking you kept me awake at night, or woke me as if a fever dream had been visited upon me. With the constant delays of Resident Evil 5, a pitiable lack of zombies in GTA IV, the rock-block of Condemned and Condemned 2 put to darkest, deepest sleep, and that tiny, unsubstantial — yet nagging — bit of Dead Rising I can’t bring myself to finish, I thought this was the answer to my succulent, Satanic, reversed bible prayers.

But no. It actually sucks. It sucks badly. On the whole.

Originally I thought the failure of this title brought into focus the difficulties of putting together an effective game in today’s high-stakes, winner-takes-all, over-the-top, smoke-em-if-you-got-em climate of computer-based recreation — but now I just think Eden and Atari rushed this hunk of shit to market without really caring if it made me want to actively pursue getting Lyme disease, going without much-needed treatment, and eventually committing suicide due the infection’s psychological side-effects. Admittedly, I wasn’t expecting anything as good as Resident Evil 4 — but this fails on so many levels it’s shocking. Shocking, deeply upsetting, and then shocking again.

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I think you’ll agree that these speak for themselves.

Pretty amazing demonstration of new ways to think about the display and transmission of large amounts of information. Put a hat on.

To those of you who claim that you would vote for John McCain — who is consistently on the opposite side of the fence on pretty much every issue that is important to Democrats (Iraq, civil rights, the economy) — over Barack Obama because Hillary didn’t get the nomination: you are a motherfucking imbecile.

Let the Republican bullshit begin.